DEAR EILIR

TW: miscarriage

Loss in itself is hard and heavy. You think you understand and can sympathize, but then you lose your baby and loss turns into something else entirely.

It turns into an empty void in your heart that will never be filled until that unknown day comes and you find yourself in heaven.

Hearing the sound of their voice. The voice you instantly started imagining as soon as you saw the positive pregnancy test. The voice saying, “hey, mama.” And your eyes lock and you just know they were made from you.

They were the one you held in your womb. The one you talked to and sang to and rubbed. The one you felt pass without ever holding their hand.

They were the one you imagined would look exactly like they do- perfect. And all the time you’ve lost, turns into having an eternity with them.

Sometimes I even wonder if I imagined it all. If I wasn’t actually pregnant, but then I remember the ending of my period + the multiple positive tests, proving that it was indeed real. And now it isn’t. Your body is forced to go back to the beginning when it was just getting filled with hormones + all you need to help a baby thrive inside of you. The shift in every facet is unyielding to your desire, for your body to not return to before your baby found its home there. but while it does not yield to us, it yields to a gracious Father who love His children endlessly. Unwavering. Unselfishly. And the hard part is knowing how good He is, how much He will love your child when you no longer get the choice to, and how deeply it all still hurts.

If only Eden never fell into the hands of darkness, we wouldn’t ever have to walk through this. But the reality is that it did fall and darkness lives among us, so death lives among us. Pain is real and suffering is a part of our stories, because Jesus first suffered for us.

But I never thought I would have to endure this kind of suffering. I thought I had already been through enough in my life that surely I would be spared (selfish + wrong theology, I know).

And much like Jesus pleaded to God to spare Him while He met with God in the garden, I too pleaded with God to spare me from this.

But also much like Jesus, I ended it with, “thy will be done.”

Matthew 26:39

Not because I wanted to lose my baby, but because I know who God is. I know Jesus’s story + I know my story. I also know the promises of God when He tells us He will work everything together for the good of those who love Him.

Romans 8:28

But I still wanted to be spared. I long to know my baby + to feel them growing within me.

It has been a constant change of emotions.

Strength to sadness. Joy to weeping. Singing + dancing with my son, to aches in my heart knowing I’ll never get to do it with Eilir.

And when the sadness turns too heavy + too dark, I know I need to turn the light on- I know I need scripture, worship music, + sunshine. I know I need to capture my thoughts + make them obedient to God- the One who strengthens me.

It’s weird. The influx of it all.

I know He is sovereign. I know He is kind. I know He is love. I know I have no control.

I know I’m in pain, but I know it isn’t the end, because I know He cares for me.

and I know God cares about you, which is why He allows others to walk through the same valley in order to help you walk through yours.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 says,

“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us.”

I have been showered in comfort from Christ for the past ten years. Now is no different, for He is the same God, always.

And I have been called to comfort others by sharing all God has brought me through. That’s why MMATW exists, + now I can connect with even more women.

It’s why in the pain, I still know who my God is, + why at the beginning, middle, + end of this healing journey of loss (and who knows what’s next), God WILL get all the glory.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7 is a staple Bible verse you’ll find throughout the MMATW website + you’ll even hear it on the podcast.

I’ve found great comfort in this verse, but it’s also because of this verse that I felt like God, in His endless kindness + grace, was preparing me for the loss of our baby.

Before I even found out I was pregnant, it almost seemed like every story I heard or was exposed to was about a woman who walked through loss and/or infertility, but how God was faithful to restore + redeem.

It was even on the MMATW podcast where Kristie shared her heartbreaking loss, that I knew how I wanted to respond if I were to ever walk through the same pain.

“He is still good.”

And as I bowed down on my knees in the bedroom, that was my response.

He is still good.

He is still kind.

And this has been my resounding prayer.

I opened up to two friends about my fears of loss + how I felt like God was preparing me for it, and both offered prayer, support, and encouragement. And one friend reiterated what I always hold onto-

He is sovereign.

And in his sovereignty, He is kind, loving, protective, for us, + He is always good + always in control. In His sovereignty, He redeems + restores.

It’s how I see His hands in every piece leading up to the brokenness we’re walking through.

Before I even knew I was pregnant, by God’s grace + love, our church had been studying the book of Job.

When the bleeding started, my immediate reaction wasn’t to blame myself or think I must have sinned + God was punishing me, + it’s only because of the work God has been doing to strengthen my theology through the study of Job.

How do I know?

When I was pregnant with Dawson, I had heavy bleeding that came + went within an hour. I sat on the toilet, yelling for Anthony that we lost our baby, sobbing + blaming myself, thinking God was punishing me for the life I’ve lived. I never believed I deserved anything good + was so afraid God was going to take our boy from us because of me.

And now our sweet boy turns two next month.

What a transformation of healing, growth, + a deepened relationship with God I get to see in myself.

I hope you can see transformation in yourself, too. Maybe not today, but tomorrow or two years from now.

But right now, I need you to hear that you are not to blame. Medically, for almost all miscarriages + still births, there aren’t any answers.

That alone causes heartache, because what do you do with the unknown? How do you move forward in hope?

In the devotional I linked later in the blog post, I read this:

“After speaking with my doctor and reading article after article, l started to reassure myself it wasn't my fault. My doctor never told me it was my fault or there was a problem with me, so until someone told me I couldn't or shouldn't conceive again, I was going to keep trying. I will say that what helped me was the fact that I read several articles that indicated most people go on to have a healthy pregnancy after a loss.

I focused on that and tried not to concentrate on the 'what if' until it applied to me."

These last few words have stuck with me- I focused on that + tried not to concentrate on the “what if” until it applied to me.

The kind words our midwife spoke over me have stuck with me, too. She ensured there’s no rhyme or reason sometimes + they’re more common than we think. 1 in 3 pregnancies. That’s a lot of women who know exactly how we’re feeling.

She shared her own experience with miscarriages + I think that brought me the most comfort- even a midwife can walk through loss.

I did nothing wrong. The stress of my dad’s heart attack didn’t take my baby. The decaf latte I drank didn’t take my baby. My lack of sleep from nursing my son didn’t take my baby.

You didn’t do anything wrong either, friend.

And then I noticed the cross that hung around her neck + I knew why she was there with us that day.

God’s kindness + love ensuring we heard Him + felt His gentle touch through the suffering.

if you haven’t had a comforting experience with your birth team, I’m so sorry. I encourage you to find healthcare professionals (a midwife is always my choice) who will show you the gentleness + support you deserve + need right now.

If you need Biblical comfort, guidance, + truth spoken into your valley right now, I encourage you to listen to the messages from my church. Here’s the link.

By God’s protection alone, He has been preparing me, strengthening me, + helping me see Him.

You might ask, “well then why didn’t He protect you from it completely?”

Some answers we won’t ever know this side of Heaven, because our understanding is so finite.

Another hard truth is the fall of Eden, + now our reality is sin + sorrow, but God is kind to stay close to us + protect us from the darkness that cannot overcome us if He is near.

And He is near to the brokenhearted.

Psalms 34:18

John 16:33

1 Corinthians 10:13

And yet, even in the presence of all this + our loving Father, I’m still hurting + living in grief. Bringing God my questions and grief and sadness. A broken song trying to find a chorus.

And that’s ok.

Processing, facing + feeling it all, + healing are all going to take time. Honestly, the longing might never go away, because we lost a part of ourselves. A part of our family we imagined being here, that won’t be here earth side. Memories that won’t ever get to be made.

In my devotional for today, it said to change your “why” to “what now?”

What do we do now?

For me, this has all made me want to be so much more intentional + follow through with making a recipe or going for the walk, write the blog post or make the video, whatever it is. Tomorrow isn’t promised. Everything is a gift from our Heavenly Father. I’m so much more aware of LIFE!

What about you, friend?

Will you write or bake the sourdough (it’s me, I need to bake the sourdough)?

Whatever it is, you aren’t alone.

To help you, I want to give you resources + my own words that have helped me. I encourage you to write and journal, too.

BOOKS:

Here’s a devotional a friend gifted me + it has been truly incredible as it meets me in my sorrow: Loved Baby devotional

If you’re married or in a relationship, I purchased this devotional for my husband + he loves it: ours

Here’s the direct link to the episode with Kristie on loss (TW: still birth): MMATW PODCAST

If you don’t already follow me on Instagram, follow @meetme_atthewell_ for more support + to have a community <3

Over these past few weeks, I have laid my heart out in writings.

But first, I made a list of how I’ve seen God, + if you’re walking through this pain too, I encourage you to do the same <3

HOW IVE SEEN GOD IN THE HEARTBREAK

• He prepared me by having other women share their stories of loss + gave me kind of a sense of “knowing.” But I still had hope and excitement for a healthy baby.

• New friends who understand

• Kind midwives + doula who made it a priority to be seen + cared for. made calls for an emergency ultrasound and for us to come in early for our appointment. She even told the midwife we saw for our follow up, to tell us hi and she’s sorry she couldn’t be here and for what we’re walking through. She shared her own story of loss and gave me great comfort knowing how often miscarriages happen + that it was no fault of my own. Our doula said she would be honored to be our doula in future pregnancies.

• The ultrasound tech was so kind. She also shared her own story of loss and gave me a long, strong hug at the end.

• We saw a butterfly painted on the ground on our way out of the ultrasound office. I saw it and smiled and knew it was from God about our baby. I went back and took a picture of it, because I felt it was an image from God letting us know our baby was alive + flying with Him in all the grace and beauty of a butterfly 🦋 now I know anytime I see a butterfly, it’ll be a message from God about our baby, Eilir.

• All our community coming around us to pray for us + comfort us.

• The timing. Grateful to have this happen after having Dawson. Dawson has helped make it “easier” to manage the emotions. He’s our sunshine boy and loves so big. God’s grace is in all of that.

• Even when I had to get the ultrasound done alone at the ER. I heard God tell me I wasn’t alone as I was rolled off alone to the ultrasound room. I asked Him to please not let me go through this alone, and He told me I’m never alone and He helped me lean on Him, my foundation. The tech wouldn’t tell me anything, which was God’s grace from protecting me from feeling the pain alone. Anthony got to be with me on Thursday, March 20th 2025, as we heard from the kind ultrasound tech that we lost our Eilir.

Below you’re going to find my heart exposed in all its sadness. I’m sharing in hopes you feel seen + you know you aren’t alone. Also to help you find the words to express yourself if you just can’t seem to say anything. If you share, please be sure to tag @meetme_atthewell_

You’re going to notice that God always finds His way into my writing, and it isn’t because I’m stronger than you or anything like that. It’s because He has gotten me through so much already and I know He is the only way I’ll make it through this. He is the only way. The only thing that makes sense when nothing else does. The only comfort at midnight. I turn to Him now after turning away from Him for so long, knowing all those wrong turns only made me suffer more. It has taken time and healing and growth to get to where I am. Be kind to yourself and show patience and grace to your hurting heart.

—- start

I wrote this 12 days after we found out… now titled

A DREAM THAT WONT COME TRUE

FEB 2.25 the day we found out

The day we found out about you. We all sat on the bed with the pregnancy test, Dawson waving it in the air + me trying to grab it hahaha. We were so over the moon when it said “pregnant” and we all hugged and shared kisses and celebrated your sweet life. Just like your brother, we weren’t trying (yet). We had plans to try for you on our trip to Joshua Tree in three months, but instead, I’ll be pregnant with you in Joshua tree + it’s so much better. As God’s plans always are.

I can already see myself walking around in the desert, our home, touching my belly + talking to you. Showing you where your dad + I got married + all our favorite places. We found a new bakery, so you’ll be eating some really good sourdough + baked treats. I can’t wait!!

We’re having family photos done while we’re there + you’ll be in them. My hand on my belly, showing you off.

Your dad + brother kiss you through my belly often. I tell you goodnight and good morning with a rub on my belly, + Dawson gives you a kiss nearly every morning so far.

Six weeks in + I was so afraid I wasn’t going to be able to love another baby as much as I love Dawson, and then you came + I haven’t even met you yet, but somehow I love you just the same.

Because I know what and who you’ll become. You’ll be deeply loved by me, your dad, + Dawson. Doted on by all of us, growing your brain with all our love. You’ll be joy just like your brother is to us.

I love you, sweet baby 🫶🏼☀️🌵

——

THE BABY I PRAY I GET TO MEET

It’s 10:49pm on Tuesday, March 18, 2025 and I may or may not be losing you.

The baby I never got to meet.

The cry I never got to hear.

The eyes I never got to look into or the hands I got to hold.

The smells I never got to live off of.

The blood is too much.

The clots or tissue are thick and what seem to be never ending.

I cried in the shower as it covered my leg and I prayed to God asking that it wasn’t my baby.

Our baby.

Your big brother has already grown attached to you. Kissing my tummy to tell you good morning. Being gentle to not smush my belly because (baby), as he sign languages it and says “baby.”

I’ve imagined what you look like so many times and now I’m so afraid I won’t ever get to know.

We won’t get to give you one of the names we’ve already been saying out loud.

I won’t get to say it during the day as you play or tell you how much I love you.

I pray I’m not losing you, but the pain I’m feeling is making me afraid. The blood that’s coming is telling a different story.

But I have belief in a God, the one and only God, who is for us and not against us.

He can change anything in a second if it’s His will, and I pray it’s His will for you to not leave us. For us to experience all that you are.

He’s a loving God, who is always good and always in control. No matter the outcome.

He is always good and I will trust You.

I believe, God, but help my unbelief.

—- crying —-

I’m afraid to sleep

I’m not sure why, but I guess because I’ll just lay here and cry once I put my phone down. Or maybe it’s because I lost you around this same time. I used to wrap my arm around you at night and hold you so you felt loved even in the womb. Now you aren’t in my belly anymore. I can’t imagine you kicking me one day, anymore. Or think about what you’ll look like. I guess time will come with its waves of healing and I’ll find myself holding you in different ways. I know I’ll always miss you. I know I’ll always love you. I love you, sweet baby Eilir 🦋

—-

ISAIAH 55

—-

WHEN WAVES COME

We got so excited when we found out we were pregnant with you, Eilir. We started taking out Dawson’s newborn things + thinking of what you could use when you got here…

I covered the newborn clothes in the middle drawer on the left side of the dresser. I put away the play gym we were going to have you do tummy time under. I didn’t know what to do with the pregnancy tests showing you were alive in me. They’re in the bottom right drawer.

I thought about making a box for you, but what else would go in there since you didn’t make it earth side?

And then the waves came + I had to grab onto the lifeline to keep me from going under again. It’s really all too much sometimes. You’re gone and we won’t get to love you, physically.

Because we love you, Eilir.

—-

THE LIBRARY

I almost lost it at the library today. Dawson and I were in the play area after story time and a little baby came crawling over and he picked up a butterfly.

All I thought was how I won’t ever get to see you playing in the library. I won’t get to bring you with us + watch you play with Dawson. I won’t ever get to do anything with you + it breaks my heart into a million pieces every time I think about it.

Even eating food is hard. How can I eat when I just lost you.

I broke down today from something your dad said that had nothing to do with you or anything, but all to do with the fact that I’m hurting inside. I’m trying to be ok and do it all and show up, and it exploded in my face with tears and pain.

I love you and I miss you, my sweet Eilir 🦋

—- crying so much —-

CHECKOUT

The ultrasound tech gave us the room as I covered my face + weeped.

Brokenhearted + torn into two; a mom to my sweet boy sitting next to me + a mom to my sweet baby sitting next to God.

Weeping + dreading the next steps.

Loosing myself in the hallway at checkout.

I hear my boy crying,

Scared for his mama.

I have to breathe. I have to be ok.

Trying to catch my breath

A breath you’ll never get to have as you cry for me at your birth.

Now, a heavenly birth.

No breast to meet your lips to nurture + comfort.

No arms to hold you as a mama does when the cries seem to have no end.

No eyes to gaze at you in wonder, for you are mine + I am now yours.

No little hands from your brother holding yours.

No tiny kisses + giggles filling your heart with peace.

No more.

No more dreaming of what you’ll look like or sound like or be like.

No more planning + preparing.

No more.

No more weeping, no more death, or sorrow or crying or pain.

Everything is being made new for you.

A new I don’t know or understand yet.

A heavenly place where you feel no want or lack or pain. No fear. No weeping.

A heavenly place, safe for my heavenly baby.

So I’ll keep dreaming of what you’ll look like, sound like, be like.

Preparing for the one day we’ll be face to face, + I’ll finally get to hear you say my name,

“Mama.”

—-

THE BEACH

I’ve never felt so much like the beach as I do now.

A sandy beach, torn between the crashing of emotions and the knowing that You know my name.

The promises of offspring as the sand, unable to be numbered. Promises of restoring all the years the locusts had eaten. And yet here I lay, with the smashing of the dark sea, and an empty womb.

A womb that had life whirling around a few weeks ago, attracted to the light of day and the sound of my voice, just as the sun guides the sea and Your voice directs us all.

Every moment is a bit different and emotions come like waves. Sometimes gentle and sometimes crashing in, and sometimes the beach goes away with the tide and the loss is all I can feel.

And then I’m stranded. Gasping for air. Aching for protection from the predators of fear and pain and sadness as I lay exposed on the sand.

But the beach knows. Even in the vulnerability of trying to make your way to the ocean, there is purpose. Even in the deep abyss, it knows there is life there. There is purpose in every crevice that is known and isn’t. There is purpose in the rising tide and the way the waves follow the moon. It knows Your voice like I know Your voice. So I follow. We follow. We abide. We cry. We mourn. We all mourn. We all understand the darkness is here + the depths of death won’t be shallowed until we’re back in Your arms. The beach knows. It knows the One who walks on water and can command the storm to break. It knows the One who can claim each sandy piece that lives on every ocean. It knows it’s safe even when the moon is gone for a few nights + the waves still abide. It knows because it knows its Creator.

I’ve never felt so much like the beach-

Knowing my Creator + that the absence of light doesn’t mean the absence of His purpose.

—- End

Friends, I pray this brings comfort, peace, support, and a knowing that God is with you and for you, despite the pain.

Love you always, friend, and I’m praying for you.

My heart behind the change

I started the MMATW Bible study from the desire God placed on my heart to start a local gathering place for survivors.

I didn’t really have a full thought out plan or any clear idea of what to expect, I just had obedience to the call. Which is why timing is really important haha.

I thought meeting once a month would be enough to help someone feel seen + not alone. I thought meeting at a cute coffee shop loaded with people would not only add to the vibe, but also bring people. I thought creating a safe space because I can relate would make you want to come.

I was so wrong about all of it.

I went after the wrong people, the wrong vibe, + wrong desire, + I’m so sorry I’ve failed you over these past several months.

I’m a survivor, I should know creating a space without first creating trust isn’t going to work. Which is why we will now be meeting bi-weekly instead of once a month. We will be meeting at a quieter location, with ample parking, so if you have social anxiety, this will help you. But don’t worry, there will still be coffee :) and I will be more focused on creating a safe space for you, rather than numbers.

The outcome- a safe, trusted space for survivors of any trauma, but especially sexual abuse, where they will feel seen, loved, + find healing in Jesus.

I hope you hear my heart, for this change is all for you, friend. No one came up to me with fears or insecurities. Lighthouse didn’t kick us out or turn us away. They’re incredible + God is blessing their coffee shop/church! This is all coming from my own struggles + wrestling with God as I try to figure out His desire for creating a gathering place for survivors in our local community.

I didn’t want to just keep trying to make it work. I wanted it to work because I know God’s desires for the broken, so I’ve been putting in the work with Him to get it all properly figured out this time.

All of the details are still being worked out. I’ve had to reschedule a meeting so many times due to weather + sickness, but I’m nearly certain this is where we’ll be meeting.

We’ll still meet in Blacksburg at 10am, but on the first + third Wednesday of every month!

There will be coffee + a safe, private space for us to grow + heal together.

I’ll send out full details once I have the meeting!

Praying for y’all + so excited for all God has in store!

Love you always, friend!

Catherine

Age isn’t so scary, after all

I just celebrated my 32nd birthday being loved on + celebrated by my two favorite guys, not to mention all the incredible friends + fam who called or texted to wish me a happy birthday! Genuinely one of the best birthdays yet, + mainly because of this new shift in my perspective around age.

I’ve always been so afraid of aging. Gray hair, losing muscle mass, getting stuck in doing something I didn’t love, wrinkles, + all the other horror stories you tell yourself as a young adult.

When it comes to age, so many things go from simple to complex in what seems to be overnight.

Jobs. Responsibilities. Growth in order to change. Change in general. Love. Pain. Loss. Gain. Identity shifts + refocus. Letting go.

Age teaches you how to find yourself one way or another, in the most honest way. It’s truly a gift we’ve been given + I think it’s time we stop being so afraid of it.

Let it in. Let it show. Let it breathe life into the years we’ve lived + grown through.

How am I letting it in? It starts with the hair.

If you’ve creeped ;) on my personal insta, you know I used to have wildly long hair. It was my crown + then I became a mom, + my crown shifted. It went from my glory to God’s glory + the gift that is my child. I honestly miss it + it’s growing back, but cutting it off was such an essential part of needing that crown to shift. Even when my hair grows back, the crown won’t be centered on top of my head, but centered around my family, my heart, + my true identity. So even if it fully turns gray + my white hair birthmark starts to blend in, my crown won’t fall, because it’s already firmly placed where God intended it. All because of age. wow

I went from a wife to a mom when I turned 30, + now I’m in my full blown mom era. It has been the most healing + sacred work I’ve ever had the honor of doing. I’m healing from so many root issues, so my body might not look the same as it did three years ago, but I love her more than I ever have. Her face is covered in even more lines of proof of life, endless smiles, + wrinkled noses from laughing so fully. My 9-5 became a 24/7 365 days a year, where I get paid in kisses + snuggles, + big feelings. I’ve never felt so overjoyed + proud of myself for who I get to be everyday for my son. For my family. I didn’t give up on my passions or calling. I’m pursuing them every moment, becoming more sanctified + healed with every breath I take.

And now, 2 years later + aging is the greatest gift, because it means I get to experience MORE. I get to experience my son + my husband + life! I get to share my testimony + all God has done in my life!!

I used to take everything for granted. Life was something you could waste and just get by with doing whatever you wanted. Being whoever you wanted because it owed me something. So I let my trauma eat at me + claim my identity, my purpose, my joy, + my future. Until I found myself in another abusive relationship + was gifted the insight of what my life would look like if I stayed. I’m so proud of my friend who is also now free of her situation + allowed me to glean + grow from her painful reality.

That happened in early 2019, + then God created a shift in friendship with my now husband, Anthony.

what a guy!

I never believed life could be this good. This beautiful. This alive + free.

And it’s all because of age.

a gift I was so ready to throw away when I was 14, + thought my trauma was my identity + life would never get better.

But wow did it get better. Not without work, not without more pain, + not without facing everything head on, but it did get better.

I praise God for all I have every single day.

and trust me, friend, I get how hard believing this is. When trauma is a part of your story, it doesn’t seem like life will get better, but it does with growth in the hands of God.

So sending you a reminder that life will get better. Not overnight, but with time. With age.

If you’re afraid of age or feel like life is stuck, I encourage you to shift your crown. I don’t mean go + cut your hair (unless you want to haha), but take a deep dive into what your focus is on + what you’re putting your worth in, + then shift if it isn’t aligned with who God has called you to be.

A daughter of the Most High!

I pray opening up your present of another year of life is a bit more fun for you this year, friend! If it is, tag me in your story! I’m here to celebrate you.

Here’s to not being afraid of time + aging, + letting it all show in the beauty of who we get to be!

Love you always, friend!

Catherine